[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
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I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.