[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
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She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Finally, a door that understands me