Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
You Might Also Like
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
the #horror is real!
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.