So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
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All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*