I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
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Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
OH. COME. ON.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry