I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
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Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
12653.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
notice
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?