Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
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Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.