Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
You Might Also Like
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Well, this certainly took a turn
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
⛄️
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time