* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
You Might Also Like
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Beware of the “party goblin”…
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.