I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
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My dryer is celebrating lint.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Love is always patient and kind.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.