My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
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I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack