McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
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Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.