I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
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PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.