My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
channeling her this year
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”