(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
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I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?