Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
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Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted