Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
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There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
If you breakdance you buy dance.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.