why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
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Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.