I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
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Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.