My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
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Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50