Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
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If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Life cycle of cat
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house