Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
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I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Thank you corporation very cool
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…