plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold