I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
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Fight fire with water. Idiots.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
How high do the levels go?
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
The struggle is real
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.