Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
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“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.