Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
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“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
sistine chapel
This is my bus stop.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no