I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
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Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Had an epiphany today.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.