Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
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It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
*limbos away from your hug*
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.