Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
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Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
this could fix me
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.