Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
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Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
yall want some gasoline milk
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.