[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
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ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”