“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
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Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)