My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
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So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER