Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
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My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
yeah no that’s fair
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.