wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
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I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
What a website
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?