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FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
why isn’t he texting back