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I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!