I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
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It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I have a condition where if I don鈥檛 walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I鈥檓 like the bus in Speed
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent鈥檚 living room at Christmas.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher鈥檚 eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
[S茅ance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it鈥檚 lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 馃憦馃徏馃憦馃徏馃憦馃徏
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I鈥檒l have two then please.
584.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A 蟺thon
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.