The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
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[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”