Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
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I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.