Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
You Might Also Like
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry