Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
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*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.