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[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Danger is very dangerous
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.