The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
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If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Who.
Did.
This?
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Yup!
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size