*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
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I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.