me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
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Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
My life coach traded me.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka: