While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
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*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
All generalizations are stupid.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.