Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
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me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
No regrets in 2018
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.