My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
You Might Also Like
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.