At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
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Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Jail
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.